~ Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

~ A Reason to smile : Every 7 minutes of each day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

~One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

~My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

~The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

~The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

~The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

~ Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

~Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

~ I gave up jogging for health reasons -  my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my sweatpants on fire.

~Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

~Skinny people irritate me!!  Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat."  Now,  I have forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.... but I have never forgotten to eat!!  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!!!!

~ A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

~They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.  Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?".  Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen you ... do it and die."

~The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, (and then they marry him).

~ I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much,  impulse buying, and driving too fast.  Are they kidding?  That is my idea of a perfect day.

~ I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

~ If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?